For anyone helping someone find a donor

How to ask someone to donate a kidney

Almost nobody who needs a kidney can bring themselves to ask for one, and that keeps many people waiting years for a transplant a willing donor would have given them. If you are reading this on someone else's behalf, you can do the thing they cannot — and knowing how to start the sentence is most of the job.

Everything below is free to take, copy and change. It is written from the research on what actually moves people, which turns out to contradict most of what feels natural — so the reasoning is included rather than just the wording.

Three rules run through all of it. Ask them to find out, never to donate. Talk about what a transplant would make possible, never about what happens without one. And hand over the exit before they have to look for it.

Someone close to you, in person

The hardest one, and the one worth rehearsing. Say it early in the conversation rather than working up to it — a long preamble tells them something frightening is coming and they will have started bracing before you finish.

I want to tell you something, and I want to say up front that I'm not asking you for anything today. my friend is looking for a living kidney donor, and I'm helping. Finding out is free and private, and a transplant center decides. I'm helping my friend look. That means I'm telling people, and I'm asking them to find out whether they could be a donor. Not to decide anything. Just to find out. If that's something you'd ever want to look into, there's a page with my friend's story and a form that's the first step. It's free, it's confidential, and my friend doesn't see who fills it in. And if it's not for you, that's completely fine and I'd never know either way. The other thing that genuinely helps is sharing the page — many donors first hear about it from a friend rather than from the person who needs the kidney.

Someone you know less well

Shorter, and lower stakes for both of you. The goal here is not an answer — it is that they now know, and that they know how to find out more without having to ask you.

Can I tell you what I've been doing lately? A friend of mine, my friend, needs a kidney transplant, and I'm helping look for a living donor. I've mostly been telling people, because it turns out that's how a lot of donors are found — someone hears about it from a friend. There's a page with my friend's story and a questionnaire if anyone ever wants to see whether they could be one. No pressure at all, and honestly the most useful thing anyone does is share it. Can I send you the link?

A group chat, or a post

Ask for shares, not likes. A like goes nowhere; a share puts this in front of a network that has never seen it. Post it yourself rather than resharing the recipient's — coming from you, it reaches people they will never reach.

Something I'd like your help with. My friend my friend needs a kidney transplant, and is looking for a living donor. I'm helping with the search. Two things, and the second one is the one almost everyone can do. If you have ever wondered about living donation, there's a questionnaire linked from my friend's page. Finding out is free and private, it commits you to nothing, and you can stop at any point. And if that's not you — please share this. Many living donors first hear about it from a friend of a friend, not from the person who needs the kidney. Sharing this genuinely is the useful thing, not a consolation prize.

Colleagues, or a group you belong to

Keep it brief and keep the ask off any individual. In a room where people know each other professionally, a general invitation is far easier to accept than a direct one, and nobody has to decline in front of anyone.

I wanted to mention something outside of work. A friend of mine, my friend, is looking for a living kidney donor. I'm helping spread the word. I'm not asking anyone here for anything — I just know that a lot of donors turn up because somebody happened to mention it. So I'm mentioning it. There's a link if anyone ever wants to read my friend's story or see what being a donor actually involves. Passing it on is the thing that helps most.

Following up with someone who said maybe

Follow up once, lightly, and then leave it. A second follow-up converts interest into pressure, and pressure is the thing that loses people. Silence is an answer and should be treated as one.

No pressure at all — just closing the loop on what we talked about. If you did want to look into it, the link is here whenever. And if you've thought about it and it's not for you, that's genuinely fine and this is the last you'll hear from me about it. Either way, thank you for hearing me out. So many people never get asked at all.

Five things that feel right and are not

Most of us have instincts borrowed from charity fundraising. In this particular situation several of them have been measured, and several of them backfire.

Would you give my friend a kidney?: Would you find out whether you could be a donor?; One is a decision nobody can make in a kitchen. The other is a questionnaire. Asking for the decision gets a no from people who would have said yes to the questionnaire.
Without a donor, my friend stays on dialysis indefinitely.: A transplant would mean my friend could go back to work.; Loss framing has been measured in organ donation specifically to reduce willingness and increase anger. Gain framing increases it. This one is counterintuitive and it is real.
There are 92,000+ people waiting for a kidney, as of 2026.: Nothing — just tell them about my friend.; Mixing statistics into a personal appeal measurably cuts how many people respond. Analytical thinking suppresses the response the story creates. The numbers belong on the site, not in the conversation.
You'd be saving a life.: It costs nothing to find out, and you can stop at any point.; The first raises the stakes of saying no until declining feels like a moral failure, which makes people avoid the conversation entirely. The second lowers the cost of the first step, which is the only thing you are actually asking for.
You're the right match for them, aren't you?: It's worth finding out even if you think you wouldn't match.; About one in four living kidney donors (2024 data) now gives through a paired exchange. Someone who is not a match donates to a stranger and their person gets a kidney in return. Not matching stopped being a dead end years ago.

One more thing worth knowing

If someone says they are not a match, that is not the end of the conversation. Around one in four living kidney donors (2024 data) now gives through a paired exchange — they donate to a stranger who is a match for them, and that stranger's donor gives to the person you are asking for. Not matching stopped being a dead end years ago, and a lot of people rule themselves out without knowing that.

And if the person you are asking says no, or nothing at all: that is the ordinary outcome, it is not a failure, and it should not stop you asking the next person. So often, donors are found several conversations in.

If you are doing this for someone

My Kidney Story is free, and it exists for exactly this. It gives the person who needs a kidney a page worth sharing, and gives you a private list of who to tell, these scripts, and a link that shows you whether any of it is working. Nobody pays anything, and enquiries go to a screening team rather than to anyone's phone.

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